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Monday, October 22nd, 2007
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I think I'm going to start keeping a real journal. People use LJ for one of two things: legitimately keeping people posted on their lives, or seeking attention. I have no desire to do the latter, and I would prefer the former be more face-to-face and personal. Without having a place to write for now, I'll give you an entry.
I'd like to go home and spend some time with my Dad. For the first time I can remember, I really miss someone from my family. Hm, that probably makes me moderately shitty. Especially since I don't miss my mom.
I'm on the fence about most of my life right now. I want opposing things, and in the struggle to have both sides, I'm getting stuck in mediocrity in every aspect. I kind of want to get away from here, I feel like I'm in a routine and I accept it out of comfort more than this being what I want. I think a while at home, or at the least around old friends would do me very well.
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Tuesday, August 14th, 2007
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| Time: | 3:12 am. |
| Music: | Ben Folds Live - Emaline. |
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Hm.
I've completely wasted 99% of this summer. I've probably wasted 80% of my life thus far at least. As with the start of every new semester, I'm hoping to change that.
It's difficult* to try to balance between making sure your point is understood and not beating someone over the head with it and making it a bigger deal than it should be. I hope this works out, I'm very optimistic about it.
*I actually went back and edited this. The first draft said "It's annoying..." I use those two words interchangeably, which is something I should stop doing. Possibly one of the reasons my every-semester plan to overhaul myself fails.
This should be an interesting year.
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Wednesday, August 1st, 2007
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| Time: | 4:28 am. |
| Mood: |  pensive. | | Music: | Ben Folds Five. |
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The problem with change sometimes is that if it's subtle enough and spread out over a long period of time, it's incredible easy to miss it until it is substantial. I was looking at some old things that reminded me of a year or two ago. I didn't remember until now that person that I used to be, nor do I know how it changed into the person I am now.
I'm pretty sure I don't like a lot of the changes I've made, but I only now dislike them after seeing how I used to be. Up until now I was sure nothing had drastically changed. I feel I should point out that this does not mean I don't like who I am. On a few levels I most certainly don't, but on other levels I do. It's just crazy to see such a huge change suddenly that I never knew before. Or maybe I'm imagining it and seeing a change that's not really there, but I doubt it.
I could write you a whole essay on the bout of nostalgia I'm having and it would never end, so I'm going to stop rambling right now. Just figured I'd write a bit while the feeling is here.
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Saturday, July 21st, 2007
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I want to get so unbelievably good at guitar. I just don't know where to begin, which is why I want to get lessons in the fall. Let's just hope that this, unlike most other similar things in my life, will be something I will follow through on. I think I need to finally realize that guitar is similar to how trumpet was in that you actually do need to sit down and practice routines and shit. Once I start doing that I'll get better.
Also, I should start sleeping at decent hours. I got an A on my test, so I'm too relieved to care about much right now. I kind of miss everyone. People from home and people from UF who aren't here. Also, I haven't hung out with Rachael and Kate like at all. I feel like a pretty bad friend, so hopefully since the test is done I'll be fixing that. This is me babbling because it's 4 am and i've got nothing to do and nobody to talk to. Thus I will conclude with some lists.
People I know that are gay
Tyler*
Alex*
Scott+
Mario+
People that I know who are bitches
Lise[]{}
Rachael*[]
Kate*[]
Corresponding * or + within a list means these people would make a cute couple
[] = Should be responsible for cooking for me and doing my laundry
{} = Should be responsible for giving me sexytime
See how simple life can be?
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Thursday, July 19th, 2007
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| Time: | 2:16 pm. |
| Mood: |  groggy. | | Music: | A Change of Seasons. |
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I've never watched or read the news much in my lifetime. As such, I've never been informed of a lot of current events and thus haven't been a person who thinks much about politics. But the more I read and the more I hear and the more I am exposed to what is actually going on, the more I worry about this country and where it is going. It really is incredible what new stories hit the mainstream media as opposed to those that make it to the back pages and have their only life for two seconds on the news ticker. I sincerely hope that this next election can get things back on a better course for the future.
There's more on my mind in this regard, but I'm not really going to write about it here, because I don't want this entry to be an invitation to start all sorts of ridiculous political "debates". Not on my journal, thanks. Just musing.
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So I've been thinking a lot lately about the whole college track and what I want to do with the rest of my life. I am not really much closer to knowing what I want to do than I was a year ago today. But the one thing that has changed is that there are a lot more possibilities than I previously thought.
My whole life I've been taught to pursue the life of high school, college, degree, job. But lately I've realized that that's not the only option I have. There are plenty of people who don't finish college or even high school, and instead follow their dreams and desires outside of that track and do just fine for themselves. I've thought a lot about what would happen if I decided to pursue music instead of something more academic like science. Like, what if I just dove head-first into guitar and devoted all my time to it? I'm sure in time and with help I could become very good, I have the desire. I could take off to New York and play wherever and with whomever would take me. I'd spend my days playing and making connections and trying to make a name for myself. I could live in some shitty apartment and be dirt poor, but I could see myself being happy doing that. It's just a huge decision to make, and even though I'd be fine with living a less than extravagant life, what if I wanted a family or something later? Just a lot of consequences to think about behind a decision like that.
But not to worry, I'm not thinking of leaving college any time soon. I'm pretty sure I'll finish my undergrad at the least, barring unforeseen occurrences. It's just crazy to think about a possible life outside of the only path I've ever known and been taught. I've never really questioned it, but lately people have made a comment here or there that makes me realize that I'm not confined to the route others set for me. I mean, yeah, it's a lot easier to do something with yourself with a college degree, but that's not all there is, not by a long shot. It's crazy to think about all the different opportunities life has, and I like having so many options available to me if I'm willing to challenge myself and the ingrained idea of what I'm supposed to do.
No life-changing decision or anything quite yet, just some ideas that have been on my mind lately.
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I don't really know what I'm feeling right now, but it feels pretty important enough to write down even if I have no idea what it is or how to express it. It is a combination of nostalgia, the passage of time in general, a realization of the importance of making memories to be nostalgic about, the incredible amount of memories you can have in a place spanning so much time, and the power of music as the best way to convey thoughts and emotions.
Holy shit, this weekend was quite possibly the best thing for me ever. I lucked out in high school and managed to surround myself with the most incredible people I've ever met. We get each other on a level that I have never shared with anyone else I've met, although I suppose that's how every group of friends feels. It's nice. The only thing that puts a slight damper on anything is one person's current dislike of me, but I simply hope time is going to cure that sooner rather than later. I'm overwhelmed by how much I feel right now, and how very little of it I can understand or put into words. There are so many memories going through my head right now, way too many to count, and I hope I don't ever forget a single one of them.
And to all you 2-3 UF kids who read this, don't be offended, as you are all the shit as well. This weekend was just majorly about everyone back home.
Man, I'm sorry all my posts are really just cheesy and sappy as shit. Like, I am disgusted when I read my entries, but there's nobody to talk to, and when I go back and look at them, I can remember exactly how I felt on a night like tonight. You know a party was awesome when you can have to deal with cops being called on you, deal with your parents finding out about the party, and spending the entire next day cleaning and washing most of the house, and still feel like the entire weekend was one of the best in recent memory. Shit, I'm in a good mood.
Shit, I have to drive back tomorrow.
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| Time: | 4:25 am. |
| Music: | Ben Folds Five - Philosophy. |
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1) Learn to relax and understand the fleeting but great nature of most things in your life. You will meet incredible people and you will have incredible times. You will meet the sorriest excuses for life you could imagine and you will have times where you feel like you're breaking. If you really analyze the things and people around you, you can understand their good qualities and understand, accept, and be relatively okay with their bad qualities. The key is to remain far-sighted and appreciate things despite what you don't like about them. In my first year of college, I have become a rather understanding person, or significantly more understanding than I previously was. I don't know if it's not putting too much importance on any one thing in my life or if it's putting equal emphasis on the good and bad things, but I feel pretty at peace right now.
2) Don't take that to mean you feel above everybody else or feel like you need to lead some perfect life. I still genuinely hate a few people and I don't claim to be this person who has achieved enlightenment or anything, but trying to keep your life and experiences in perspective can help you to not stress over insignificant things and make you overall happier. Granted, you don't have to listen to my advice and you could just ignore this post, but there are better things to waste your time on than lamenting your future and regretting your past and getting into pointless livejournal debates about other people's views of their own situations. While thinking about your past, present, and future are all good and help to give you direction and learn from your experiences, these posts I'm seeing and these arguments are rather stupid, not to insult anyone who has made such posts recently. It's understandable to feel that way sometimes, but to get into these pointless arguments like this and start getting upset with each other is ridiculous. Just take it easy and enjoy yourself, and learn to appreciate the things around you.
Hmm, this probably didn't come across as insightfully and clearly as I had hoped. Peace of mind is rather hard to put into words, especially at 5 am. Either way, hopefully anyone stumbling across this takes something from it.
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| Time: | 6:14 am. |
| Music: | Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here. |
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I found this stumbling on Alex's computer, and it really caught my eye. I like it.
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Tuesday, April 17th, 2007
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| Time: | 8:31 pm. |
| Mood: |  irritated. | | Music: | Metropolis pt 1. |
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If I hear about gun control or video games being a cause in this tragedy or so much as see Nancy Grace's face again, I might explode. If a guy snaps and wants to shoot people, he will manage to get his hands on a gun, legally or illegally. If he had tried to get a gun and was denied, I'm sure he could have found one through other means. The more disconcerting issue to me is the fact that he had the opportunity to commit two different sets of shootings. And if a video game makes someone want to go shooting people and committing other irrationally violent acts, the issue at hand is not the presence of these games, of which the users who actually take a hint from the games and decide to go shoot people is an infinitely small minority. The issue is the problems in these people's heads that translates the violence in the games or in the media into something that's acceptable or excusable in his or her own life. Also, facebook groups and other social networking outlets are not the place to go with your mourning and respects to those lost. It seems rather trivial to be in such a group, as I assume that you do feel bad about what happened and feel the same emotions as everyone else as a member of this society and this race. You don't need to prove it through membership in some group.
The media is focusing on the wrong issues and looking for solutions in all the wrong places. News coverage over this whole thing is growing increasingly disgusting to me. This is a great tragedy, and I feel strongly for those whose lives were lost and whose lives were affected by it, but it simply is not a gun control or violence in media and games issue. To force this into those directions seems wrong.
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Saturday, February 17th, 2007
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| Time: | 12:48 am. |
| Music: | Belle & Sebastian - Piazza, New York Catcher. |
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So I totally wasn't expecting this trip home to be of any significance. Just get some bio reading and laundry done. Then I was looking for something and stumbled upon all the pictures I've ever taken in a drawer I haven't opened in years. Things dating back to 3rd and 4th grade up through senior year. Nostalgia doesn't often hit me, but when it chooses to, it hits hard.
So now I'm pretty much drowning in this pool of thought of how so many things have changed and questions like who am I now? How did I become this person from the person I see in those pictures? Are they good changes? Do I totally suck compared to how I used to be? I see a lot of changes in myself now, and I'm not so sure I like some of them. I see a lot of people in these pictures that I don't talk to anymore, and I don't know why or how that happened. I remember how I used to be, and how my life used to be, and I'm amazed at the passing of time and what it has done. Some good, some bad, some just different. When you look back and see the events that change and shape your life, it's amazing how inconsequential some of those things are now. Things that have distanced and completely isolated me from people, things that made me change things about myself, for better or worse.
Anyways, I guess where I'm going with this in the public, livejournal aspect of things is to say that if you're reading this and I haven't talked to you in a while, I'm sorry. Send me an IM (StaticProgress7, why is nobody on to talk to when I get in these moods?!) or call me or something and I'd be more than happy to talk to you again. If you're reading this and I've been a dick or done something bad in the past to you, I'm sorry. I feel as though I've stagnated in my life and now I want to put momentum and direction to it. I want to talk to everyone I used to know, I want to do so many more things that I should have been doing the past couple years.
Winds of change, tides are turning, and all that stuff. I just miss the people I don't know anymore, I miss certain parts of who I used to be that have all but disappeared by now. But most importantly, I now feel a desire to salvage friendships, reconnect with people, and work to build the time at hand and the person I am now into something I can look back on with as much fondness and happiness as I do all these photos.
Goddamn livejournal, making me seem like I have "feelings" or "emotion".
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Thursday, February 15th, 2007
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| Time: | 10:16 pm. |
| Music: | Eric Clapton - Classical Gas. |
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xkcd.com is pretty great
also, how's life been, world of livejournal?
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Monday, August 15th, 2005
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| Subject: | Huzzah! |
| Time: | 8:37 pm. |
| Mood: |  Doodie-ish. | | Music: | Dream Theater - Six Degreed of Inner Turbulence. |
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I am getting bored with life. Nothing interesting ever happens, and I'm too lame to think of fun things to do. Therefore, I am leaving it to you, loyal checkers of the LJ, and you, stalkers whom I don't know, to entertain me or make something fun happen. Now, this is not only an honor but a privelage as well, so I expect the best from all of you. You may begin....now.
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| Time: | 5:47 pm. |
| Mood: |  too sexy. | | Music: | Dana singing. |
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This is a shout out to Dana. Now stop singing. Something else.
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Okay, I undeleted this journal, but it will be for commenting and viewing only. Don't expect any updates.
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Tuesday, January 18th, 2005
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| Time: | 9:42 pm. |
| Mood: |  refreshed. | | Music: | Postal Service - The District Sleeps Alone Tonight. |
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Maybe it's the running, maybe it's the company, or maybe there's no reason...
Whatever it is, I feel good tonight, and I hope it stays for a while.
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Monday, January 17th, 2005
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Wednesday, January 12th, 2005
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| Time: | 8:49 pm. |
| Mood: |  exanimate. | | Music: | Phantom Of The Opera - Masquerade / Why So Silent. |
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So, I figure I should update since nobody's online to talk to. The last few weeks have been very very good times in London, coming home and doing a lot of thinking (most of which brought me to disappointing conclusions), and the start of school. My grades are not good at all for the semester. Oh well.
So I've come to the decision that it's easier to be happy when you don't care and become apathetic. When I consciously try to do things because I care about it, I'm always disappointed by where it gets me. Trying gets exhausting when the benefits are few and far between. I think I'm just going to stop trying so hard to get what I want. Hopefully it just comes to me as it seems to for other people.
Well, there's absolutely no point to this entry. I was hoping to get out what's on my mind, but reading it over it doesn't even make sense to me. I'm just tired of being disappointed by things in my life, and the easiest solution is to not care. I need something that makes me happy more than every once in a while. Oh well, look at me, I'm a whiny teenager. Pity me e_e
P.S. Don't get me wrong, things aren't bad in my life, there's just nothing good or something to look forward to. That's all.
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Sunday, November 7th, 2004
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I just got this really weird feeling. I'll be in London with most of my friends in about 6 weeks. This weekend was interesting. Friday was the game with millenium middle sitting in with us. What a bunch of crazy crackers they were. Subs was okay, with a side of unfortunate drama. Saturday was FBA, we got straight superiors, yay. If we can march a show like that and get superiors across the board, I think next year's show should be "J.P. Taravella Presents: Fecal Matter." March on, do the salute. Play 8-7-8-6, then take a dump on the field and march off. Talk about GE. I kinda was curious to see what would've happened if we broke the tradition. But anyways, we went to Denny's (aka IHOP) after the game. We brought Meghan with us, though I'm not sure she enjoyed it too much. Then we sat in the parking lot to wait for rides for people while singing third eye blind. Then Dana dropped me off at home. It was kinda sad thinking that after this year I'll hardly see her anymore. But I guess that's life, and we'll go our seperate ways. I'll miss her though. So today, after about 5 hours of sleep, we had Parkland Days parade. Whoopie. Nothing like wasting my time and energy for 500 bucks I'll never see. Then I came home and I am now putting off all my homework. Halo 2 is out on tuesday, and that will be the beginning of my demise both academically and socially.
It's strange thinking how detatched I've been from people. I kept having these memories of me being close to people, and I just assumed it was still that way. But I find myself drifting further from people. I can't blame anyone for it really, and finding blame for that would be stupid anyways. It's just odd to think I don't have like that one really good friend. Just a lot of somewhat distant ones. Oh well, I guess I can't complain considering all things. Everything's pretty mediocore. I need variation. Good night.
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webshadow1236's journal
determined.
thoughtful.